The eternal shame of clinginess
The thing clingy people want more than anything is to not be clingy.
Because that would mean, just maybe, people would stop running away.
What clingy people want on a deeper level is the same:
for someone—anyone—to never run away
An adult, to be there all the time
To feel the hug of, all the time
This is not a want—it’s a need
Bodies don’t let go of needs easy
Thank god
That that adult in adult life is going to have to be them themselves
Is unwelcome, disturbing, dissatisfactory advice
Because the inner adult is unwelcome, disturbing, dissatisfactory right now
Give him a chance
That inner adult doesn’t quite know how to tune into yourself well
Can’t quite emotionally reciprocate and attune well
But that inner adult is capable
And it will learn, inshallah
The mistake of clingy people is trying to skip the clingy phase
There is no skipping the clingy phase
It’s the baby phase
And what babies need is to cling
That never stops
We are always clinging to the mother
To earth
To the world
The stars
Our soul hangs on them
Rest your soul on the coat hooks of nature
Feel, gravity
Allow, gravity
The solidity, pull with which gravity pulls you down
Is never going away
That solidity is what I needed
Can I forgive myself for pushing away yet another person for being clingy?
Can I accept being clingy is going to be part of my process?
The way a hobbled leg is going to be part of a coyotes’s life for the next few months
It’s going to be part of my life
I don’t have to remove myself from participation in reality until I have fixed it
I don’t have to remove myself from participation with other people until I have fixed it
As if like a test, I could study for it elsewhere, come back and ace it
I don’t have to go in the room next door
Sit there
Until I have fixed myself
And am ready to come back
The clinginess is here, real, me
The clinginess is not someone else I can leave in the closet next door
Were that I wish it
It’s someone I invite with me, into participation in real life
How—yoga
How—presence
How—intimacy, capacity
Like an adult with a child, looking up for the first time
Noticing the world around me
the reality of the sand
flowing through my fingers now
the solidity of this bench
can i step on it?
what do other people feel like?
ok too much, back down
breathe
back into default mode
peek out again
look, what is that person like?
what are they saying?
let them be a mystery to me
grief-where did you come from
ok, not now, feel briefly, look more sadly on the world
but with hope
my feet are on the floor
sure
i am like wolf
beginning to pay attention
not hiding in fake human clothing, not in fake accent
a wolf
sensing,
ruthlessly driven
by intuition
of what he trusts
The clinginess is here
It is not somebody to leave in the closet next door
But it is not somebody to bring to the present without an eye, witness, holder
Bring it here, but with care, help it look on the world, look as it
Find an aliveness,
a world of interpersonal truth
you were never thinking of
because to admit it would be so scary, why would you bother?
being conscious of it
A whole world
of reality! truth! fucj!
sand, ground, leaf
okay, too much. sink back into normal life
Find the special places that bring the wolf out
Bring the wolf to more places
Eat, drink, ravage, thirst
Feel something ancient settle again
The wolf out of
Human clothing
Human out of socialite clothing
Baby, out of adult cloth
Baby cling
Forever
