the hedgehog friend’s dilemma
[toddlers be like]
i am a happy evil robot
bwahahahahahah
even tho i don’t have to love you you have to love me
[scared]
will you love me if i don’t love you?
i don’t love anyone or anything
in fact i hate everything
i am an evil robot
no one will love me because i am clearly not capable of empathy
[chin up]
i need to pretend like i love people
i can never let them know
that i never loved them, i didn’t love me
i must be an evil robot
[being 4]
im not capable of love
that thing other people seem to do?
i don’t seem to do it
im just scared
[imagining]
if i was a parent i would love my son so much
even when they didn’t love anyone or anything at all
i’d just know, even when they didn’t
they a normal kid
[being 4 again]
i just know. when i don’t love other people or everyone
i am worthless, secretly to be despised
their love for me only comes because of my act
if only they knew
how heartless i really feel
how unable to really feel love
they might be horrified, they might turn away
from the jinky little evil robot
that’s what i am
a jinky little human robot
separated from the connected fabric of humanity
i need to stand apart
because i don’t belong to it
because i don’t seem to feel this love they all seem to feel
these strangers, they hardly know me
they mistake me for someone other than who i truly am
how can they love someone who doesn’t love them back>?
what the fuck is wrong with them
why love me, why love me
if i am a toddler of use to nothing
why love me, why love me
if i am not useful
i am so confused
help it make sense
my place in the world
don’t just say you love
tell me exactly why
so i can keep doing it
because i don’t want this to stop
i don’t want to go back in the endless cold of feeling no one’s warmth
so i come by the fire
where others sit
my parka up, looking away
not talking, i think they think im awkward
but somehow it still feels better to be at a distance, separated, alien
but still by the fire
than in the bitter cold
so i sit by the edges of humanity’s fire
as they gab on in their fur coats
and i sit aloof, awkward, alone, unknown
making do, getting by
i have so many needs
if someone came up and talked to me, they would not be prepared
not enthused
about me having so many needs
ive seen little ones like this
and i feel sad for them
it’s hard to feel the gradations in giving them love
it feels like all or nothing
it’s hard to meet someone halfway, give them some love
but know you/i cannot meet their need fully
cannot be absorbed by them, become a germ within them
that sustains them, their connection to the life-force-fire
they always needed
you have to be brave with them
willing to disappoint them
to get closer to them
this is the hedgehog friend’s dilemma
this is my own dilemma in getting to know me
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the hedgehog’s dilemma
the hedgehog friend’s dilemma
you have to be willing disappoint them
to get closer to them